The Diary of Eileen Prince
by ThePotionMaster'sMistress
Summary: The Diary of Eileen Prince. Explaining how a lady of such high stature ended up in the lowly position of being married to an abusive drunk.
1. Chapter 1

_February 5, 1945_

 _Today I officially became a woman, freshly fifteen and no longer afforded the small safeties and luxuries of childhood that I could claim freely just yesterday. Not that anyone born into a pureblood home is ever truly safe, save they should be the sole heir. And not even that fortunate circumstance of birthing order can save them should their parents be young enough to bare another son. Honestly, it is only through the most unwavering obedience and unswerving dedication to their fathers that a child may remain safe from the horrors of disownment. Not even the most fervent supplications from a favored wife can dissuade an enraged father from casting her beloved child into disgrace and poverty. It is of the smallest wonder that I can name but a few poor souls foolish enough to have incurred such a wrath and its resulting consequences._

 _I'd almost pity them, but I have little patience and refuse to willingly suffer fools and whiners. The men in this culture need only wait until they are old enough to take their betrothed in marriage and then they are handed their partial inheritance and given a few ancestral manors of their own. Not soon after the marriage the men will begin their conquest for an heir and will shamelessly turn their newly-acquired wives into a broodmare till at last a son should be born. And a pureblooded man's joy is never so great as when he finally sees that his bloodline with continue on for yet another generation thanks to 'his' hard work. His happiness might only be matched in strength when his father passes on and he is given the remainder of his bloodlines inheritance as well as complete freedom from his father's influence. It is that he is promoted from prince to king. His reign is no longer constricted to his own immediate family, but to all members that previously lived under his father's control. He now has a dynasty under his rule, and until his death, he will control all ancestors born into his bloodline._

 _If such an impatient, immature man cannot patiently and quietly bide his time until he is handed his kingdom, he deserves nothing but scorn and contempt. Though the men may suffer in their own rights beneath their own yokes and pressures had they any inkling of what a woman must endure under this pureblood rule, they'd be ashamed of the grumblings they so willingly offer when they know that those in authority over them aren't listening._

 _But a woman in this culture is never free. She goes from one master to another; from father to husband with not even the shortest of transition time in between. It is only on her wedding night that she learns of the newer 'duties' she'll be expected to perform perfectly, and without any further instruction but the basics, she is thrust into a strange home and into an extended family that will surely despise her. For who could ever be good enough for their precious heir?_

 _From earliest childhood girls are taught to be complacent and content with their lot in life. By the time they are old enough to talk clearly and walk unfalteringly, they know that their dreams for being anything but a mother and perfect wife are ridiculous and unachievable. They've long since discovered that voicing any desire for control of their lives is dangerous and they bear whatever miseries and unacceptable emotions they may have with quiet dignity._

 _To be fair both boys_ and _girls have learned to keep their faces in the trademark sneer of aristocracy, for each knows as well as the next that unchecked emotions only lead to ruin. Having mastered the fine art of acting in early childhood, it is no surprise that our lot is accused of lacking emotions and heart. If only the rest of the world knew of the secret pains and sorrows that afflict us! Their self-righteous smirks would quickly falter if they had to suffer through but_ one _of the trials unique to pureblood life. The rest of the world may think as they'd like, but there are none so strong and persevering as us. None but those with a Slytherin heart could endure the trials and tribulations we are forced to endure on a daily, even hourly, basis. Nor could they do so with an air of serenity and false smile painted upon their faces._

 _I never used to think of this life as anything but morally superior to all other lifestyles. But the older I become, and the more I am exposed to life outside this world, I find myself becoming more and more disenfranchised. I fear that I will never learn to be happy as is expected of me, and as a result I will forever be miserable. Father tries his hardest to expunge my newfound willfulness and rages violently against me as result, but his work is all in vain. A small part of my unconscious being fights against the soul-crushing measures, and I cling to what little spark I have left._

 _A small part of me wishes Father_ would _beat all rebellion out from me. Because if he actually managed to do so, I'd be like the other ladies who've_ learned _to be happy with their lot in life. Ignorance is bliss for them, and I would love to be graced with the same peaceful acceptance they now possess. Because as much I yearn for freedom, I know I will_ never _escape._

 _February 6, 1945_

 _Orion graced me with such a wondrous gift this morning that I was grinning like a madwoman all throughout classes, unable and unwilling to remove the visual display of appreciation from my usually somber face. Anastasia pleaded with me endlessly to remove such a silly look from my face but I ignored her chiding up until we passed by Headmaster Dippet. The old man's jaw dropped in a most unseemly manner and he gaped at me as if I'd suddenly sprouted a set of horns and a tail. It was only than that I heeded my close friend's advice and allowed my face to fall back into its familiar and comfortable sneer._

 _"_ _I'd ask you if someone spiked your goblet with Amortentia," Anastasia teased, "But you can't poison a potions prodigy."_

 _Nodding in agreement to the friendly compliment I resisted the urge to remind her, yet again, that she promised to stop addressing me with such a lofty title. Awarding me with such an honorable title seems to me to be nothing but the equivalent of dangling a raw steak just out of the reach of a chained and starving werewolf. We both know that I will never be allowed to pursue higher education to perfect the art that I love so much. Once I am married, I will be expected to cease with my daily brewing as it is considered man's work. Brewing will, at best, become nothing but a hobby for me. I will never be able to contribute my knowledge to such an important field. Were I not accustomed to the constant crushing of my dreams, such a dark thought would kill me. How I dread the day that my cauldron and I must separate. If there is any small mercy in this world, and surely there must be at least a small amount, my husband will be more relaxed than most and allow me to brew for at least our inner circle of friends._

 _Almost as if we shared one mind, Anastasia sensed my hidden despair as easily as it was her own and sought eagerly to lighten my mood as much as she could. With a kind twinkle in her silver eyes, she playfully jabbed her elbow into my ribs and pleaded for me to share the cause of my earlier good spirits. I was more than happy to oblige and proudly displayed for her the beautiful ring resting upon my delicate fingers. With the blackest of moonstones resting upon a genuine silver band, it was by far the prettiest piece of jewelry ever gifted to me and far more beautiful than those pearls and diamonds mother seems to adore so much._

 _"_ _How can your spindly fingers support such an enormous stone? It's the size of a snitch!"_

 _"_ _You exaggerate."_

 _It was a heatless accusation, but a fair one. While the stone_ was _quite large, it was no bigger than the size of your average galleon. And while the size might cause others to think the jewelry gaudy, it was perfection to me. Sparkling brightly despite its darkness, I blushed slightly as I recalled Orion's smile as he told me the stone reminded him of the stars in my eyes._

 _If I had any say so in whom I would marry, no matter how slight, I would gladly degrade myself by begging for him. He is my shining sun in this vast darkness of a life, and Anastasia is a brilliant star. Without them, I would be lost._

 _February 7, 1945_

 _If Maeve Parkinson persists in acting like a baseless animal, I swear on my life that I will thrash her like one. The dog faced troll is a thorn in my side and were it not for Walburga Black currently holding the title, she'd be the nemesis I despised most. Every day the wretch tests my great patience and it takes all the willpower I possess to keep from responding to her with anything but scathing insults._

 _While my reputation as a fierce dueler with an arsenal of the most heinous of hexes has kept even the brashest of Gryffindors at bay, Maeve continues to harass me. Her family belongs to the Sacred Twenty-Eight whereas mine does not and this vile toad delights in knowing that I am shrewd enough to keep from assaulting her for this very reason. If ever I were to delve into the homicidal madness this cow is surely driving me toward, and actually act on my desires to harm her, Father would flay every last inch of skin from my body without hesitation or mercy._

 _Father spares no amount of energy in his punishments, and as such, they are most severe. For the smallest of offenses his heavy hands will rain down dreadful blows without end and his belt with crack through the air with a frightful noise. For crimes of a larger sort, his wand is utilized. I needed but one taste of the wand's correction to learn that it was to be avoided at all costs. I've learned that there is safety in silence and seclusion. On the holidays when I am forced to return home I find myself hiding out in the library as often as I am permitted, emerging only when my presence is required._

 _February 15, 1945_

 _The last several days have been very lonely and nothing short of miserable for me. A few days prior, during Transfiguration, I noticed Maeve wrinkling her nose and scowling enviously at the ring on my finger as if it had somehow insulted her person. I thought nothing of it until a few days had elapsed and I received a scathing letter from my father. The insufferable Parkinson spawn must have sent a facetious story to him, for the rage within his written words was nearly palpable._

 _Unwilling to believe that the daughter he so despised had received nothing more than a harmless gift from a very dear friend, he accused me of committing all sorts of licentious and improper behavior to receive such a fine gentleman's favor. Harshly rebuking me for spending so much time with a boy so very far outside my station, and 'drawing him down to my level,' he ordered me to keep far away from Orion. With the vilest of threats, he promised me the punishment would be most severe should I be foolish enough to disobey._

 _Can a heart made of stone break? Surely it can, for my very being is weighed down with a melancholy so severe it rivals that of the Bloody Baron's despondency. What little sun and joy I had in this oppressive world is gone, and I hardly have the strength to bear it with even the basest forms of dignity. How could I spend so long hardening myself, only to have my defenses blown to bits in the dawning of a new day? My tears fall endlessly and I oftentimes find myself hiding in the Room of Requirements, avoiding those who would report my sorrows back to my father as unseemly and an act of rebellion._

 _February 16, 1945_

 _Professor Slughorn has grown rather impatient with my 'senseless sorrows' and gave a very feeble attempt at cheering me by telling me that I am extremely fortunate to be an affluent pureblood and that I should consider myself lucky that Father was prudent enough to put a stop to mine and Orion's foolishness before our hearts got broken. He then ordered me, none too kindly or patiently, to be at the next meeting of the Slug Club lest he report my egregious, asocial behavior to Father._

 _But how can I possibly undergo the torture of attending his self-serving gathering? Orion will surely be there, and his presence will be nothing more than stinging salt in my all-too-raw wounds. I cannot bear to see Orion's beautiful grey eyes, nor his beautiful locks of ebony hair, knowing that neither will ever be truly mine to enjoy. It is enough of a struggle to keep from calling out our usual greeting to each other during class and in the corridors. I fear I might not be able to maintain my composure if he is to be so near to me, with that toothy grin of his drawing me closer._

 _My only comfort, slight though it may be, is in the knowledge that Orion has also received orders to keep from me. My pain is his and he understands that I am not willingly avoiding him. The same morning I received my disheartening letter Orion's owl delivered him a similar one. Judging by the moisture that rapidly filled his eyes and threatened to spill over to his cheeks, it contained orders similar to those in mine. While I may not have received official confirmation from him, as I rushed from my breakfast to be away from Maeve's gloating face, I know Orion's mannerisms well enough to be confident that my theory is correct. The last I saw him display such raw emotion openly was when we learned of the fate of poor Myrtle. Having been her only two friends it was quite the sorrowful day and the first I saw him cry._

 _But what can we do? With both of us being at the prime age to enter into marriage contracts, Orion's family wants to reserve him for the choicest of women. Our 'familiarity' is nothing but off-putting for the patriarchs eager to marry off their daughters. Shrewd and calculating as the next, they prefer that men_ willingly _and eagerly take their daughters so that the union between two powerful families can be complete and rife with lucrative deals. They cannot do that if the intended boy loves another girl, for the boy will be unwelcoming to his new wife should it not be the one he truly loves. As a result, the new wife will eagerly divulge all manners of damning news and gossip back to her family in an effort to ease her rage and pain. Many horrific family feuds that were nothing short of full-blown wars have been the result of such a scenario and it is common knowledge that such situations are dangerous and detrimental._

 _Anastasia encourages me to let go of my pain, but I cannot. Letting go means accepting that things will not change, and the pain I face is in the past. But it is not. The oppression and abuse against my person will never end, and the cultural norms that back and support them will never change. Letting go would mean that I can move on and see a bright future full of joy, a future where I am worth something. All I can see now is pain and despair._

 _I go to sleep tonight with a very heavy heart and fervently hope that I will inexplicably manage to garner the immense strength and amazing resiliency that I possessed just days ago. Being a very powerful, self-taught occlumens I have no doubts that I can accomplish such the daunting task of pretending I don't harbor any negativity towards Father due to his ruling. But how much more will I have to suppress? I am almost certain I cannot bare another blow of this magnitude. I can only play my cards carefully and hope it is enough to keep me from another heartache._


	2. Chapter 2

_February 17, 1945_

 _Tonight I finally had the opportunity to see Orion for more than just a passing glance in the corridors. I could hear his deep, musical voice along with his booming, infectious laughter and the sound of each twisted my heart with bittersweet feelings. I went to Professor Slughorn's get together knowing that I only had four uninterrupted hours of Orion being in close proximity. Though he sat at the other side of the table, rather than his usual perch beside me, it was enough to cheer me ever so slightly. Orion even managed to send me a discreet, but meaningful smile when everyone else was distracted by Professor Slughorn's passionate, alcohol-fueled rant against the perversion of sugar-free sweets._

 _Of course Maeve quickly put an end to what little joy I managed to gleam tonight. She was leaning heavily on Orion all night and when she noticed me stealing a tiny glimpse at him, she deliberately kissed the manly stubble decorating his chin. I'd have leaped across the table and beat her face in with the fireplace poker had Orion not jumped from his seat and begged to be dismissed for the evening as he was suddenly stricken with a horrible case of exhaustion. Professor Slughorn was reluctant to grant him a reprieve but Orion was persistent and finally received Professor Slughorn's permission to take leave._

 _Unfortunately, this made me a target for Maeve. Upset that her sudden, unsolicited kiss had received such an unpleasant response she chose to harass me as a means of expelling some of her rage and hurt feelings. Without any hesitation, as soon as the door closed behind Orion, she turned her canine-looking face toward me and smiled her hideous, crooked-tooth grin. Without any modicum of subtly, she reached into her garish handbag and pulled out a miniature rake. Under the guise of one young lady looking out for another, she presented the rake to me and 'mumbled' loudly enough for everyone to hear the disrespectful words she so willingly heaped upon me._

 _"_ _I saw this and though of you, Eileen," She mocked, cruelly, "Seeing as you struggle to keep all that hair of yours tame."_

 _The absolute nerve of that sow! It was awful enough that she deigned it appropriate to give me such a 'gift,' but to do so in front of an audience only heightened the offense. She knew that social protocol would dictate I accept the rake with a smile and words of appreciation. And degrading though it was, I attempted to force out a few backhanded compliments. But try as hard as I might, I was so livid I became mute. Even with the fear of Father's wrath hanging over me like a guillotines blade, I stood helplessly silent._

 _"_ _Go on, Eileen. Take it." Professor Slughorn prompted, a slightly scolding tone in his voice after a long moment had passed._

 _"_ _It's the perfect gift for you." Madeline Crabbe snickered, sharing in her best mate's pleasure. "I wish Maeve would have brought me a gift."_

 _For the first time in my young life I can honestly say that I lost control of myself and allowed my emotions to control my actions. Having suffered enough the last several days, mostly as a result of her contentious nature, I yanked the rake from her hand and brandished it in her homely face as I delivered a scathing retort._

 _"_ _If you'd like this bloody rake so much, Madeline, you can have it just as soon as you pry it from Maeve's fat, pasty arse!"_

 _So help me, I would've actually jammed that rake down her throat had Professor Slughorn not drawn his wand on me._

 _"_ _If you can't behave as a proper lady, Eileen, perhaps you should leave." Maeve hissed, replacing her look of fear with one of contempt._

 _Nothing would have made me happier than to act out my desire to strangle her. Thankfully I was able to regain a sense of control before I acted on such an impulse. Rather than resort to physical violence, I lightly tossed the rake into her lap with a very contemptuous snort and took my leave as gracefully as I could manage despite my fury._

 _That troll has always been jealous of my beautiful hair. While I take great care to keep my four feet of locks tame, her mane is scraggly and unruly at best. Given her petty nature, it's not a surprise she pounced on me the_ one _time a stray lock of hair escaped its elaborate updo._

 _Sadly, I fear Maeve has won. Father will surely kill me when I return home for Easter holiday, and she'll be left without anyone to even mildly challenge her. As it stands, I'm already anticipating the harsh letter that Father is sure to send in prompt response to whatever grossly exaggerated sob story Maeve is sure to deliver his way._

 _There is no comfort for me to be had this night. Orion and I will never truly be friends again, and punishment most severe is sure to come my way. Usually I would be able to share my sorrows with Anastasia, and she'd comfort me best she could, but I fear I've angered her with my self-imposed isolation. She's understandably taken much offense that I should cast her aside so rudely, making it seem as if I valued Orion far more than her._

 _If only she understood that there are different types of love in this world! I love her deeply as a sister, truly I do. But the love I hold for Orion is different and I hardly understand it at all. If Anastasia ever feels the pangs of such deep, unrequited love for another, she will understand my actions were understandable, if not justifiable._

 _February 20, 1945_

 _As punishment for my 'egregious crime' against Maeve, Father has ordered me to remain in the dorms when not in class. He originally planned for my meals to be taken in the dorms as well, delivered by house elf, but Headmaster Dippet quickly intervened on my behalf and forbid the practice on the grounds that it would establish precedent for any student to do the same if they begged their parent's indulgence enough._

 _Regrettably, this means I cannot hide out in the Room of Requirements any longer as Maeve and a whole other host of spies are eagerly keeping watch on me. I no longer have the pleasure of privacy and solitude that I so crave, and I am going mad as a result. I have never felt so alone in all my life._

 _March 4, 1945_

 _Today I am finally allowed to be outside my dorm for periods of time other than classes and meals. I was eager to take a stroll about the grounds and breathe fresh air, but it snowed four feet of snow last night and walking paths have yet to be cleared. Sometimes it seems as if the universe is determined to destroy what little happiness I cleave unto. I ponder if I even know what it is to feel true joy._

 _March 10, 1945_

 _I've now become so advanced in potion's class that Professor Slughorn now has me preparing lesson plans for him in addition to the tutoring services that I must provide for my fellow Slytherins. Despite my duties as longstanding captain of the gobstones team and obligations as prefect I gave in to Headmaster Dippet's pleas and agreed to tutor a few third years in transfiguration. I scarcely have time to study for my O.W.L's atop of all these responsibilities and free time is a precious and rare commodity. If it weren't the immense pressure from many to remain at the top of my year, I'd begin sacrificing a few hours of study time for sleep or leisure._

 _But my exhaustion means nothing to Professor Slughorn. Despite knowing how overburdened I am he offered my tutoring services to one of Professor Dumbledore's favorite students. Eager to earn the favors of those held in high regard, Professor Slughorn promised Professor Dumbledore that not only was I eager to aid another fellow student but that I was also available to do so during all the few slots of free time I have left._

 _It is just my luck that Professor Dumbledore gave into Professor Slughorn's pressure to accept me and my services as a gift. Knowing that social convention would dictate Professor Dumbledore return the favor with something of equal or greater value, Professor Slughorn was in high spirits when he informed me I was to tutor Minerva McGonagall in herbology. I don't know much about the girl, but I know she is a year below me and brilliant in her own right. Why she needs academic assistance in any class is beyond me. Especially since I've heard rumors that she is at, or near, the top of her own year. But I could hardly refuse the request, could I?_

 _At least Minerva doesn't conduct herself in the same unflattering manner as the rest of her house. Whereas they are brash and brainless, she is prudent and intelligent. She also seems to be of a serious nature, and I feel that we might be able to get along well enough if the typical house rivalry is set aside. While I refuse to dole out second chances, I will give anyone a first._

 _March 13, 1945_

 _I held my first tutoring session with Minerva tonight in the library. I was pleasantly surprised by the lion, and could hardly believe someone so brilliant and well-mannered was sorted into Gryffindor house. She'd be much better off in Ravenclaw, where they would appreciate her great wit._

 _I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed the task of tutoring her. Our session bore no semblance at all to that of the dreadful chore of educating fellow students who think that I am beneath them or think me to be evil. Minerva actually appreciated my help, and not even once did she display any sign of contempt that she should have to come to a snake for help._

 _Not that she needed any assistance whatsoever. No less than ten minutes had elapsed before I took notice of the ease in which she was able to answer the majority of the questions I asked to determine her level of understanding of the subject. Suspicious and curious of her motives for feigning mediocrity during herbology class, I requested that she divulge the reasoning behind her charade._

 _With a cheeky smirk that any Slytherin would be proud to boast ownership of she leaned in toward me and moved aside a large quantity of hair from the side of my head. Whispering softly, to keep from drawing attention to us, she openly admitted to her slight mischievousness with an air or pride._

 _Worn down from all the pressures of being at the top of her class and oftentimes worn out from rigorous quidditch practices, she decided to slack off a bit during herbology- careful not to slip below the tiny space between an O and an E. Claiming that it was all the time she had to breathe easily, she confessed that she felt little shame. She did apologize for wasting my time, which I appreciated, and promised to ask Professor Dumbledore to allow her to quit these sessions._

 _I quickly shot down her suggestions as calmly as I could, fearful of the blame and punishment I would receive should Minerva carry through with her intended course of action. And a more pressing, self-serving reason had me delivering her a passionate reassurance that I did not mind teaching her under false pretenses nor did I consider such session a waste of time. Shrewd as she was, she began to suspect something was amiss despite the utilization of my best acting skills. Thankfully it was time for the library to close and we were promptly dismissed before Minerva could even begin to question my permissive attitude. I rushed away quickly, and left her with a rather puzzled expression on her face._

 _Hopefully she took my words to heart and won't go asking to be freed from my services. I'm rather lonely and exhausted, and I could use these tutoring lessons to unwind as well. Perhaps I can even convince Minerva to allow me to study my own material whilst she studies hers. I'd even be more than willing to assist her with homework should that unlikely scenario present itself. If we play our cards carefully, we can both receive the best from this situation and take it for all its worth._


	3. Chapter 3

_March 15, 1945_

 _I received such a lovely surprise today! And, oh, how I needed the cheering it provided me with. I've been so despondent lately, and without companionship for so long, I began to think of the numerous ways I could off myself. I was entertaining the grisly thought of throwing myself from the astronomy tower, when I was startled back into awareness when a delivery owl rudely dropped my post into the steaming bowl of oatmeal before me._

 _Rather irritated at the unprofessionalism, I swatted the brainless bird away with harsh words and made a mental note to write a formal complaint to the post office about their utilization of shoddy owls. Already in a sour mood I yanked my beloved potions magazine from the bowl and brushed off the mess as best as I could. Knowing that Father would never agree to send me another copy, as he'd do everything to discourage my one passion in life, I moved quickly to save the magazine from complete ruin._

 _While I am loath to make such a confession, I must admit my mouth dropped open in a manner most unbecoming of my stature when I cleared away the mess and finally saw the cover of the periodical. Usually the high honor of being featured on the front page of Potions Weekly goes to those that are far older than myself with decades more experience. So imagine my great surprise when I found the honor went to_ me _!_

 _Obviously the editor of Potion's Weekly 'borrowed' the photograph of me from the Daily Prophet, as I haven't any idea where he could have procured it as Father would never willingly assist in anything that would raise my esteem. How grateful I am that they chose to use such a photo, as it makes me look quite lovely. Bent gracefully over my cauldron in the midst of a potion's class the year prior, I wore quite a lovely smirk and my eyes shone beautifully with passion I only feel whilst I brew._

 _Flipping the issue open quickly, but carefully, I nearly squealed when I saw a whole five pages were devoted to me and my contributions to the field. Paragraph after paragraph praised me highly as I discovered a way to negate the need for porcupine quills in the majority of potions. My finding is being hailed as a revolutionary breakthrough, as previously thirty percent of the magical community were unable to be administered life-saving potions as they were deathly allergic and the vast majority of potions contain them. They are hailing me as one of the youngest and brightest minds of my generations!_

 _I will cherish this magazine for as long as I live, and tuck it away safely so that when I am married and laboring under my husband's rule I can pull it out and look back upon days that were much happier. I will be able to see that passionate gleam in my eyes, and hopefully that will be enough to encourage me to stay strong on the rougher days that are sure to come._

 _March 17, 1945_

 _Thanks to the gossip that fills the corridors of this school, Headmaster Dippet finally heard of my accomplishments and awarded Slytherin House a full hundred points this morning. While I am not surprised that Professor Slughorn kept quiet about my feat, not wanting to encourage the girls in his care to harbor dreams beyond their station, I could tell the Headmaster was displeased with my head of house's nondisclosure. And if the reluctant way in which he spoke to Professor Slughorn is any indicator, Professor Dumbledore is just as cross._

 _But for every voice of approval that reaches my ears there are a dozen of the opposite. The vast majority of the heirs in my house are absolutely disgusted with me as they believe I should be ashamed of my success rather than proud. They find I am being immodest, but I think that they are simply jealous and angry that a spotlight should shine on a lowly woman rather than upon a mighty man. Many of the ladies are just as awful. They stick their noses even further up into the air when they pass me, and implore their sisters to keep far from me. They all believe that my place should have been learned by now, and warn me repeatedly that no man wants a willful wife._

 _Professor Slughorn is quite cross with me as well. I received a two hour lecture on the topic of how a woman should be meek, obedient, and calm. He's warned me sharply not to speak about my accomplishment unless a professor should ask me, as the younger girls have started to talk about their dreams for a career and he is eager to staunch such foolishness as quickly as possible._

 _Why doesn't anyone understand that this was not my doing? I simply submitted a summary of my work to Potions Weekly in the hopes it would make the young brewer's column, I never expected to be put on the cover. And why would I, knowing the great agony it is to relinquish a dream, be encouraging the younger girls to hold on to dreams I know they cannot fulfill? I am not so cruel as to instill false hope in anyone, especially a child. Doesn't Professor Slughorn know how much it pains me to see the bright lights in the first year's eyes, only to know they will soon be extinguished?_

 _March 20, 1945_

 _Today I had another 'tutoring' session with Minerva, comprised of nothing at all but the girlish chatter and gossip I've been missing since Anastasia parted ways with me. I am still quite surprised that I am able to speak so freely with her, given that we are from different houses and cultures. But despite the social norms that dictate we should not be friends, we've become quite close in the past few weeks. Although I miss my Anastasia almost more than I can bare, Minerva's friendship helps me keep hold of my sanity._

 _The sweet girl even went so far as to bring me a gift today. Thoughtfully, she had carefully lamented every last page of the Potion's Weekly edition that featured me. Of course I thanked her profusely for such a kind gesture, and promised to return the favor in any way she might she fit. Typical of a Gryffindor, she refused, and told me not to think on the matter any further. But how can I not? As a pure-blood, I've always grown up knowing that any favor given must be returned. It was such a struggle for me to accept that a gift should have no strings attached that I pestered her until she rolled her eyes and told me I could return the favor by lending her my copy of "Advanced Arithmancy for the Fanatic" that she saw me reading earlier that month as the Hogwarts library didn't stock it. Of course I quickly agreed to the satisfactory suggestion, and promised to get the book to her as soon as possible. Not wanting to draw any more negative attention to myself for befriending a Gryffindor, I informed her of my plan to hand the book to Professor Dumbledore so that he could pass it off to her. Of course Minerva found the whole thing wildly unnecessary but thankfully she promised not to raise any objections so long as she got the book before the end of the week._

 _Evidently the topic of Professor Dumbledore was enough to bring a bright blush to Minerva's cheeks and a twinkle to her eyes. And if it were not abundantly clear that she fancied her head of house, she removed all doubt as she freely admitted to her deep adoration of Professor Dumbledore! She went on and on about his 'piercing' blue eyes and 'gorgeous' auburn hair. She even dedicated a full ten minutes alone to babbling about his 'magnificent' beard. By the time she had finished her long-winded declaration of love I was forced to concede that Professor Dumbledore, was indeed, handsome in his own right._

 _Encouraged by her trust of me, I felt comfortable enough to reciprocate- but only just a bit. I've learned as a pure-blood not to just give my trust away, especially to those I haven't even known for a year, much less a whole month. However, I did admit to quite a few things. Like how I found Orion Black's eyes to be the loveliest pair in the entire world, and how his laugh was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard in my entire life. I left out my undying love for him, of course, but luckily Minerva seemed satisfied with what little I did share. She is very patient with me and seems to respect the fact that, while we are both reserved and stoic in personality, I am far more so._

 _It was just our luck that Rephaim Greengrass chose at that exact moment to barge into our amiable conversation and sour the happy mood with his presence. It's hardly a wonder that_ this _heir was placed in Gryffindor. Despite his parent's rather heated assertions that the sorting hat has gone daft due to its great age, it is abundantly clear that Rephaim was sorted appropriately. He is brash, vulgar, and brainless. If that weren't awful enough, he possesses all the vices of Slytherin house, too- those being ruthlessness and vanity in abundance._

 _"_ _Eileen!" He purred, pronouncing my name incorrectly once again as he put the emphasis on the wrong syllable._

 _"_ _What do you want?" I hissed, scowling harshly._

 _"_ _Simply to spend some time with the love of my life." He grinned, putting his disgustingly blackened teeth on full display._

 _"_ _But Rephaim," I grinned, "James Potter is in detention at the moment."_

 _Given that he is currently being shunned by the community for his mother's recent romantic tryst with a werewolf, I have free reign to treat him the way he deserves to be treated and I intend to take full advantage of the opportunity. I feel no shame in admitting Minerva and I shared a laugh as his face turned purple and his bland brown eyes nearly popped out his head. You reap what you sow, and Rephaim has quite a lot of nastiness left to harvest._

 _"_ _You'd better learn your place soon, Eileen." He sneered. "It's going to be hard enough for your father to marry you off with that spirited attitude of yours."_

 _"_ _I'm not the one who needs to worry about being placed with a spouse." I spat. "It isn't my family that's fallen from grace."_

 _"_ _You don't think your own fall is soon to come?" He sneered. "With that little magazine stunt of yours, I'd say you're skating on very thin ice. Tell me, what would everyone think if they knew you were befriending a filthy, half-blood Gryffindor?"_

 _I don't know what came over me but for the second time in my life I lost control of my emotions. To hear such a sorry excuse for a man besmirch the only person that has shown me kindness in these past months was more than I could bare. It is more than easy enough for me to lie down and be trampled, it is much harder for me to watch it be done to someone else._

 _"_ _Even with half the magical blood in her veins, she's twice the wizard that you'll ever be!"_

 _"_ _Do you hear yourself talk!?" Rephaim snarled. "Were you hit in the head, recently?"_

 _"_ _My head is fine," I replied hotly, "It's your face that looks like it's been kicked in."_

 _"_ _It's about to be hexed off!" Minerva added, wand pointed between his ugly eyes._

 _"_ _Do you honestly think that a Greengrass would be afraid of some dirty-blooded harpy?"_

 _"_ _Don't call her that!" I barked, pointing my wand at the space between his legs. "I'll cut you right open and then you can for yourself that her blood is just as clean as everyone else's!"_

 _"_ _What the hell is wrong with you, Eileen?" Rephaim demanded. "You'll be whoring around with muggle's soon if you aren't careful!"_

 _"_ _And you'll be sleeping beneath a ton of dirt if_ you _aren't careful."_

 _From out of nowhere, Anastasia appeared, wand ready and with a fierce scowl on her face. Confronted with the prospect of squaring off with three witches, all of whom carried a strong reputation for being magnificent duelers, Rephaim's face took on a slight look of unease as he took a few steps back._

 _"_ _Your father will be hearing about this, Eileen." He snapped. "As well yours, Anastasia."_

 _"_ _Be sure not to leave this out." Anastasia smiled._

 _"_ _Leave_ what _out?"_

 _I am still in great disbelief about well-mannered Anastasia's next actions. To believe that such a proper lady would actually strike an heir on his nose, hard enough to break it, is unheard of in this society but that is exactly what she did! Of course the dunderhead displayed his lack of grace and poise, again, and shouted a whole slew of curses as he stumbled back into a small bookcase and caused it to topple. Understandably the loud crash sent Madame Pince running over, screeching about the abuse of her poor books. This in turn alerted Professor Dumbledore, who had apparently just stepped in to return a book, and he quickly and adequately worked to calm the situation._

 _I am quite sorry to say that our behavior has cost both Gryffindor and Slytherin house fifty points each. I shall never hear the end of this, and life in my dorms will be nearly intolerable. I shudder to think of what father will do to me for all these new transgressions, and I worry even more for Anastasia. This is her first 'real' act of willfulness, and everyone knows that the first crime is dealt with in the harshest manner in an effort to beat out every last ounce of disobedience. Easter holiday shall not be fun for either of us I fear._

 _But I can hardly dwell on my worries of punishments when I have my beloved Anastasia back at my side. I have sorely missed my 'twin' and confidant. I will never do anything to jeopardize our bond now that I have her back. Perhaps we will be closer than ever now, if such a thing can be possible. I do hope she and Minerva get on well, I'd more than willingly toss the Gryffindor to the curb in favor of Anastasia, but I'd very much loath to do so. I've become quite fond of the lion, especially after the events of today._

 _It is because of that quick-thinking imp that all three of us girls avoided detention. She alluded, really quite heavily, that Rephaim had purposed to grab at me inappropriately whilst I was distracted in my studies. Of course, Minerva claimed, this meant she and Anastasia_ had _to retaliate accordingly._

 _I don't think Professor Dumbledore believed a word of her story, but I believe he has a strong sense of right and wrong and understood that Rephaim must have done something to deserve such a blow. With a flick of his wand he fixed up that bastards nose and ordered him to stay behind and right all the books he'd displaced, without magic. For the second time that night, Rephaim's face darkened, and I could have sworn I saw Professor Dumbledore smirk. Perhaps I have greatly underestimated his character…he seems very kind. And even if he is rather eccentric and vexing at times, I'd eagerly chose him as a father over my own._

 _Needless to say, all three of us scurried from the library before anyone could change their minds on the topic of_ our _discipline. Avoiding Madam Pince's awful banshee screeches as she scolded Rephaim was also a motivating factor, to be honest. I feared my ears would never recover if we stayed on too long to gloat over Rephaim._

 _"_ _Quite a smooth talker, aren't you, Minerva." Anastasia teased. "An awfully Slytherin trait if you ask me."_

 _"_ _Drawing your wand in the heat of the moment," Minerva retorted easily, "An awfully Gryffindor trait if you ask me."_

 _March 21, 1945_

 _Easter Holiday may have arrived early this year but Anastasia and I are_ far _from thrilled to be heading home. With every hour that passes, our anxiety worsens and we have both been sick several times already. As a result, we've both cloistered ourselves in the train compartment closest to the bathrooms. Poor Anastasia is shaking like a leaf, and I am very fearful she might succumb to hysteria. She's never been in trouble before, and punching an heir is no small offense. I've tried dosing her with a few sips of lavender oil, but it had done little good to staunch her panic._

 _-Afternoon_

 _Anastasia got into such a state around noon that she was threatening to run away and join a muggle convent once we arrived at platform 9 ¾. Despite my numerous attempts to reason with her, she was having none of it and went so far as to threaten suicide by killing curse. After fervently trying to calm her for nearly an hour, I lost patience and forcibly removed her wand from her person. Not knowing what else I could possibly do, I hit her with the sleeping spell 'dormio' and forced her to lay down upon the seats before she had a chance to collapse on the floor._

 _I nearly cursed out loud when yet another person tried to bypass the wards I'd enacted to gain entrance to our chamber. It wasn't until the culprit managed to remove the silencing ward, that I realized it was Minerva. Quickly yanking her inside, I replaced the wards and quickly responded to her shocked outburst upon seeing the unconscious Anastasia._

 _I can't say I blame her for such a strong reaction. Nor do I fault her for her ignorance when she seemed oblivious as to why someone should be so worked up about angering their parents. When I simply shrugged, eager to change the subject, the girl continued to press me relentlessly. At first I was furious that she should be so nosy, and feel so entitled to news. It wasn't until I saw the genuine concern in her green eyes that I relented and decided to share just bit of the darkness that surrounds Slytherin life._

 _If the other purebloods ever found out that I confided in an outsider, especially a halfblooded Gryffindor, they would disown me and inform my father who in turn would do the same after delivering a vile beating. But I can't keep so many secrets to myself anymore._

 _So, careful to remain neutral, I decided I could tell Minerva that the parents in our culture are very strict, and oftentimes resort to harsh punishment for the smallest of infractions. I didn't go into details, but Minerva is wise and knows that I am making light of the situation. She reluctantly agreed to be promised into silence on the matter, and promised not to press me for more information than I was willing to share._

 _I nearly teared up at her small mercy. Sharing with her is much different than sharing with Anastasia. When I talk with Minerva, she doesn't try and justify the abuse and make excuses. It means the world to me that I have a friend who sees my pains as valid and worthy of complaint. Someday, in the very far future, I think I might be able to open up to her about all the horrors of my childhood. And I will be safe in doing so, because_ she _will not tell me that I am an ungrateful, baseless shrew._


	4. Chapter 4

_March 22, 1945_

 _Thanks to an ill conductor, we arrived at Platform 9 ¾ much later than expected. The conductor's intestinal distress was almost a blessing to Anastasia and me, until we realized that the great delay only served to frustrate our already angry fathers. It may have been pitch black by the time we arrive, but it was more than easy to pick out the barely concealed rage on our father's faces. I thought Anastasia would have dropped from sheer fright right at the moment she spotted her own father. Minerva, trying to assist, quickly squeezed her hand in a calming gesture but that only furthered Anastasia's panic and I quickly shooed Minerva away before she could do anymore damage._

 _Needless to say, the beating I received was by far the harshest I've ever received in my fifteen years of life. Enraged from a culmination of the anger he felt toward my 'improper companionship' with Orion and the assault on Rephaim, he didn't hesitate to get me home. Pulling me by my hair into the punishment closet, a small stone chamber in the basement, he went for his wand straightaway and proceeded to hex me bloody with several dark curses. Ending the entire ordeal by spitting on me and landing the cruciatus curse on me for an entire three minutes, he left me alone to shiver in the darkness._

 _I shudder to think about what has been done to Anastasia for_ her _transgressions. While my father is renowned for his cruelty and eager utilization of Dark magic, the Selwyn family is no house of Hufflepuffs. Despite this, I hope they went easy on my dear friend. She is far too mild and sweet to be beaten as if she were an animal, and she hasn't had any chance to build up a tolerance to punishment like I have._

 _Thankfully, I wasn't left to suffer in the closet for as long as I usually would have been. It was bright and early when Mother threw the door open and yanked me out by my hair. Hissing for me to make myself presentable, she ordered me to be on time for breakfast as we were having important company over._

 _Fortunately, it was the Dolohov's that came calling. Johannes, their heir, is in my year and is a good friend to me despite the fact that neither of us have much free time to devote to each other. While I am off devoting my time to studies, he is off on the Quidditch pitch which means the only chance we have to converse is during meals or holidays. As a result, I was almost surprised to see how dark his skin has become in comparison to the light brown it was just a few months prior. It's now of a pleasant tawny complexion, and I should think the woman he marries a very lucky girl, indeed._

 _And not just because of the great beauty he possesses. Johannes is a very clever man, indeed, and kind to boot. He'd sooner through himself in a blazing fire rather than be the cause of someone's tears. He'll be an excellent father someday, and not just by Slytherin standards. He will be the type of father I read about in my books; the kind who hug their children and sing to them when they are ill. The type of parent who could easily tell you their children's favorite color and song, and the sort of father who loves his children more than his honor and status._

 _March 23, 1945_

 _Today I awoke from pleasant dreams to discover I'd slept in until seven. In a panic, I scrambled to get dressed, not wanting to receive another beating for arriving late to breakfast. It was as I hastily combed my hair out that Hokey arrived with a large smile on her face and a tray of breakfast in her frail hands._

 _"_ _Young Mistress 'Leena must be calming herself! She'll turn her pretty hair gray with all her worrying!" She squeaked, her ancient voice shaky. "Master and Mistress are gone for the day! They's buying a manor in Dresden!"_

 _Calming greatly, I slunk back down atop my bed and thanked my lucky stars that I wouldn't be receiving another beating. I'm still quite sore from that night's assault and I don't wish to add to the myriad of bruises and cuts that line my body._

 _"_ _Hokey was thinking Young Mistress needs some cheering! So she makes 'Leena's favorite breakfast!"_

 _What would I do without my beloved Hokey looking out for me? She is the only one who looks out for my well-being when I am forced to return to the manor, and I know she loves me as if I were her own flesh and blood. Of course I return the sentiment, and I do what I can to make her life bearable._

 _"_ _Danke, für das Frühstück. Komm, essen mit mir."_

 _At one time, Hokey would have refused my request that she join me for breakfast or conversation. But years of my hounding have worn down her defenses to the point that she will willingly do both. On the rare occasions that I am left all alone, Hokey treats me as if I am her daughter and I willingly accept such loving treatment._

 _"_ _Why do we need_ another _manor in Dresden?" I asked Hokey, as soon as she'd settled herself comfortably on my bed._

 _"_ _Young Mistress will be getting married real soon, I supposes. And Master and Mistress will be wanting to keep you close to them so they's can see the babies you'll be having!"_

 _"_ _Dresden is_ hours _away from Munich, Hokey."_

 _"_ _It is being easy to apparte!" Hokey insisted, needlessly buttering my toast for me._

 _"_ _I hardly think I'll be visiting Mother and Father once I'm married." I scoffed, rolling my eyes at the absurdity of the idea._

 _"_ _Oh, but Young Mistress must! If she doesn't, she is breaking poor Hokey's heart into so many pieces!"_

 _I would have laughed at the way she needlessly carried on, dissolving into tears in the space of seconds, had I not known how seriously she took such a declaration. Clearly believing that I would remorselessly leave her behind, she began to wail in despair and without constraint. Oh, to see the heartbroken look on my poor Hokey's face nearly brought me to tears myself! Wanting to put an end to her misery, I hugged her closely to myself as she so often did for me, and kissed her atop her aging head._

 _"_ _Hokey! You'll come with me! I'll steal you away if I have to!"_

 _It was no idle threat. If I am going to be forced into another loveless house, I am taking my caretaker with me. If I have to move mountains to do so, I will. I will stop at nothing to take Hokey with me, and I_ will _give her the happy life she deserves. If she but asked me, I would gladly give Hokey her freedom. Even if it meant that she chose never to see me again._

 _"_ _Hokey would be loving to serve such a kind Mistress and her family!"_

 _With that, she wrapped her wrinkled arms around me and pressed my head to her chest with a look of deep love and adoration shining in her large cobalt eyes. When I was very little, I used to imagine that this is how Mother's look at their children. Now that I am older, I_ know _it is. When I have children of my own, I will treat them as lovingly and patiently as Hokey has treated me._

 _"_ _When you come to live with me, it will be as a beloved friend._ Not _as a servant._ "

 _"_ _Mistress must not be saying such things! She'll be getting herself into much trouble with Master! And poor Hokey will be hearing you being punished and it will hurt her heart so, so much!"_

 _Sighing, I once more assured the house elf that I would be careful with my words and promised her that I would be on my best behavior whilst I was at the manor. Beaming proudly at me, she happily informed me that I was becoming quite the respectable woman and offered to run a nice, relaxing bath for me to 'sooth my battered bones.' How I love my Hokey!_

 _3 A.M.-_

 _Hokey is very injured and I am fearful she will not survive the night. I am doing what I can to save her life, but Mother is still wide awake and I must be very quiet. If she discovers that I am using expensive potions on a house self, both she_ and _father will take turns punishing me. And if they lock my up in the punishment closet, no one will be left to look after Hokey and her wellbeing. And poor Hokey needs every bit of doctoring she can get! She is covered in very deep lacerations and as they were the cause of Dark Magic, they've quickly become dangerously infected and inflamed._

 _I have never before despised my mother as much as I do my Father, but tonight that has changed. That foul wretch is the cause of Hokey's great agony and I shall never forgive Mother for this as long as I live. Hokey had done nothing to warrant such a cruel and severe beating. Hokey's only crime was to serve me as lovingly and selflessly as she'd been ordered to do since my conception._

 _Having drawn thousands of baths for the women under her care, Hokey did what was expected and filled my large tub to the brim with scented bubbles and tossed in a very generous portion of both oils and salts. Unfortunately, no one had bothered to inform Hokey or myself that Mother had used my tub a few weeks prior (whilst Grandmother used hers) and had left behind a bottle of extremely rare moonbeam oil. Understandably mistaking the contents for that of my aloe oil, Hokey had used up half the moonbeam oil massaging my sore back._

 _Hokey and I were completely unaware of our mistake, and after the bath, I helped Hokey finish up her chores so that we could spend the rest of the day together. And what a fun day we had! Filled with all sorts of meaningful, heartfelt conversation, we spend the majority of the day baking sweets for me to take back to school. By the end of such a long day, we were both thoroughly exhausted and crawled into bed early, well before Father and Mother were due to return. Despite the fact that I am well past the age of three, and no longer in need of a house elf sleeping in my quarters, Hokey crawled into bed beside me (per usual) and sang to me until I fell asleep. Thankfully, Father has never taken issue with this abnormal sleeping arrangement as his paranoid nature rests easier knowing someone is keeping an eye on his house elf._

 _I was happily dreaming of a life of freedom with Orion, in lovely Paris, when I was rudely awoken. My bedroom door was thrown open quite ferociously, and in the time it took me to recover from my shock and register what was happening, Mother had yanked Hokey from my bed by her ears and thrown her to the floor. And without hesitation, Mother began her punishment. Without mercy, she raged on, ignoring the screams of Hokey and the desperate pleas from her daughter. It was but a small fortune that Father had promptly passed out upon arriving home; having been quite drunk and disoriented. Had his drunken stupor not deafened him to Mother's screeching, I am almost certain he'd have awoken and killed Hokey just to silence the noise._

 _I've only just barely managed to stabilize Hokey, but I fear that I am being overly optimistic with my prognosis. She has lost so much blood, and I am unable to procure the potions needed to replenish it. She looks ever so ghastly, pale as she now is. Her already frail body shakes beneath my covers, and each breath she struggles to take only heightens my anxiety._

 _If Hokey should die, I swear on my life that I shall do everything within my power to avenge her. I would kill Mother in such a horrid manner that my crime would rival that of Grindelwald himself. Azkaban and the dementors kiss be damned._

 _March 26, 1945_

 _Joyous news! Hokey was lucid today, and was even able to feed herself some broth! While she was touch and go for the longest time, she gave a great fight and took a miraculous turn for the better late last night. Her skin is no longer frighteningly pale, and her breathing has become much stronger._

 _Of course, I decided to keep this news from Mother and Father. If they had even the slightest suspicion that Hokey might be able to resume her chores, they'd have her working endlessly to catch up on the work that has been neglected during her infirmity. And while Hokey is eager to begin her chores once more, I pleaded with her endlessly to stay in bed for another day. So persistent was I, she finally caved and agreed to take the day off._

 _March 28, 1945_

 _I know I shouldn't ignore Hokey's repeated pleas for me to get to sleep, especially not when she is only just now back to her full health, but if I don't write now I fear I won't get another chance to document my thoughts until I am back at Hogwarts. And I should hate to neglect my journal, as I fear the writing down of my thoughts is one of the only thing keeping me sane. I_ need _the calming catharsis of writing, especially_ now _, as my manor is now filled to bursting with guests and their accompanying house elves._

 _The manor is abuzz with endless noise and I can scarcely walk five feet without running into a small child and the house elf running after them. I cannot even find solace within the walls of the library, as the majority of the visiting, elderly men refuse to leave the room unless absolutely necessary. Many of them having been widowers for a very long time, they openly lust after whatever girl comes into their proximity. And as I deal with that enough in the corridors of school, I'm more than happy to avoid the geriatric perverts. Thankfully not all the guests are intolerable._

 _Amongst those having been invited are the Selwyn's, Black's, and Dolohov's and I'm most pleased with Anastasia being here. I was so very worried about her well-being whilst we were apart, and fretted terribly when it soon became apparent she'd been forbidden to owl me. It was no small relief for me to see her again, and I was all the more pleased with the news that her father had apparently taken mercy on her and used his cane, rather than his wand, to punish._

 _But as tickled as I am with my dearest friend sharing a roof with me, a touch of sadness sullies the happiness. Just like at that horrid meeting of the Slug Club, Orion is in such close proximity that I am nearly unable to restrain myself from calling out to him. He brushed against me this morning, on his way outside, and I nearly burst into tears. All I want is for Orion to hold me close, just once more. Then perhaps I could move on with my life and find happiness again. I hope the Holiday passes soon, because I cannot bare to smell Orion's cologne and see his smile much longer. At least at school I could easily hide away from him. Here at home, I am forced to confront the harsh reality of us never being close again. And what a cruel reality it is._

 _March 29, 1945_

 _Johannes pulled me aside this morning after breakfast and requested that I join him for a friendly stroll in the garden. Always eager to be outside, and in the company of a good friend, I more than happily obliged. March being only the start of spring, I was pleasantly surprised to find the day relatively warm and the sky cloudless. It's not often the weather in Germany is so pleasant this early in the year._

 _"_ _I haven't had the chance to talk to you for quite a while, 'Leena."_

 _"_ _We've both been very busy."_

 _I easily dismissed the unneeded apology as both of us had hellishly hectic schedules and I could hardly fault him for it any more than I could blame myself._

 _"_ _Be that as it may," He smiled, "I should have found the time to congratulate you."_

 _"_ _You ought to be more careful, Hans," I scolded, "There are eyes and ears everywhere."_

 _"_ _Then let them listen."_

 _Johannes declared boldly, taking arm in a gentlemanly fashion as we journeyed further and further into the greenery surrounding us. Far from the prying eyes of Father and his friends, and in the company of one of my few confidants, I found myself able to breathe more easily than I had in weeks._

 _"_ _Listen to what?" I questioned, enjoying the warmth of the sun on my back._

 _"_ _To how highly I praise your brilliance." He clarified, carefully helping me step over a particularly large puddle of mud._

 _"_ _You're too kind, Hans." I answered, his gentle nature reminding me so much of Anastasia._

 _"_ _And you're far to humble, 'Leena." He retorted, still guiding us forward whilst ignoring the fact we were rapidly approaching the surrounding woods._

 _"_ _Johannes," I frowned slightly, "We should stay within the garden. We wouldn't want to start tongues wagging."_

 _"_ _Which is precisely why we need to be alone." He agreed, a nervous look coming to rest on his face._

 _"_ _Just what do you intend?!" I demanded angrily, heat rising to my face. "I don't know what you may have heard about me, but I assure you-"_

 _"_ _I intend to_ talk _with you." He interrupted quickly and firmly. "Nothing more."_

 _"_ _We can do so in the garden."_

 _I argued, suddenly on edge. While Johannes was nothing but kind and trustworthy, I didn't dare risk damaging my reputation any further by being caught along with a boy in the woods without a chaperone nearby. Rumors were already flying about that I was committing improper acts with less-than-reputable boys, I didn't wish to give Father anymore ammunition to use in his war against me._

 _"_ _Eileen," Using my full name instead of the preferred nickname reserved only for close friends, he silenced me once more, "This is a conversation that absolutely cannot be overheard."_

 _"_ _Johannes-"_

 _"'_ _Leena, please." He begged, a somber look filling his eyes. "I will die if I cannot share my agony with someone."_

 _"_ _Why me, Hans?" I queried, anxiety growing within me the closer we approached the woods. "Why not Orion? Isn't he your closest friend?"_

 _"_ _Because I_ know _you," He said simply, cupping my face in his strong hands, "That is why. I know you would never betray me if you made the promise not to do so."_

 _"_ _Orion would never betray you." I argued, placing my much smaller hands atop his._

 _"_ _I know." Hans sighed wearily. "But I feel you're better suited for this discussion."_

 _"_ _Why?"_

 _"_ _You've better control of your emotions. Orion tends to let his emotions run wild when he's upset. You don't." He closed his eyes tightly. "I know you'll at least try to remain calm."_

 _"_ _You need to tell me what all this secrecy is about_ before _I give you my vow of silence."_

 _"_ _Don't you trust me, 'Leena?" He asked sadly, his eyes reopening only to stare down at the ground._

 _"_ _Having trust and acting on it are two different things." I gently reminded. "I'm not so brash as to agree to a contract without knowing its contents."_

 _"'_ _Leena, please. I'm scared." He breathed, finally looking into my eyes again. "I' don't know what to do anymore."_

 _As resolved as I was to preserve my own well-being by refusing to enter the woods, my defenses immediately caved when Johannes openly admitted to his fear. It is very rare for a pureblood to admit to any weaknesses out loud, especially more so when they are raised in the Slytherin culture._

 _"_ _I promise to hear you out, Johannes, and I promise to keep quiet." I relented. "But if we get caught alone out in the woods, I will throw you to the wolves to save myself."_

 _"_ _Fair enough." Frown slightly lessening, he gave me a very weak smile of relief. "All I ask is that you hear me out. I won't beg you to accept what I have to share."_

 _"_ _Say what you must, Johannes. We will take it from there."_

 _"_ _Come with me."_

 _Grabbing my hand, he led us further and further into the woods. Even after we had made it into the midst of the woods, where it became hard to traverse, he guided me still further until we'd nearly arrived at the other side of the woods. Finally stopping in front of an overturned log, he bade me sit whilst he paced back and forth in front of me. For the longest time he didn't speak, and his eyes darkened by the second as the troubled thoughts that plagued him swirled about in his mind._

 _"_ _Speak," I coaxed, "Out with it."_

 _Although I'd never admit this out loud, especially to Minerva, sometimes crafty manipulation fails and one must turn to forceful boldness to garner answers._

 _"_ _I'm afflicted, 'Leena." He finally admitted, after another long five minutes had passed._

 _"_ _Afflicted?" It was now my turn to frown. "With what?"_

 _"_ _With the worst sort of unnaturalness." He whispered, hiding his face in his hands._

 _"_ _There are many acts of unnaturalness, Hans, you'll need to be more specific." I coaxed._

 _Giving a horrid sound of despair that was more beastlike than human, he began to yank at his hair in distress. Pacing much faster now, his breathing became erratic and I began to fear he'd gone mad from harboring such an obviously dark secret._

 _"_ _Sprich!" I barked, Johannes anxiety heightening my own. "Let it out!"_

 _"_ _I can't!" He moaned, the sound pitiful._

 _"_ _SPRICH!" I repeated, jumping to my feet._

 _"_ _I don't…I don't fancy girls!" He finally admitted, clapping his hands over his mouth as soon as the words had left his mouth._

 _"_ _You don't fancy girls?" I scoffed, rolling my eyes._

 _"_ _I don't fancy girls." He repeated, locking eyes with me. "_ Any _girls."_

 _"_ _What are you saying?" I asked, sinking back down upon the log as I weighed the implications of his words._

 _"_ _I'm a faggot!" He snapped, losing his usual cool. "A fairy! Queer!"_

 _"_ _Don't say that!" I pleaded, worried for his well-being should someone overhear._

 _"_ _It's true, 'Leena!" He hollered, throwing his hands up into the air._

 _"_ _Hans," Overcome by fear, I could hardly speak, "Are you_ sure _?"_

 _"_ _YES, I am SURE!" He shouted, dropping to his knees in the mud._

 _"_ _Oh, Hans." I whispered, sadly shaking my head._

 _For one of the first times in my life, I was at a loss for words. What could I say?! Hans's admittance was nothing short of a death sentence for him! An heir's sole purpose is to carry on his family's bloodline, and Johannes cannot do that without a woman. Hans's orientation renders him useless to this culture, and the useless are cast out quickly._

 _"_ _I can't fix it." He groaned, tears dripping down from his face. "I've tried_ so _hard, but I can't, 'Leena. I just can't."_

 _"_ _Hokey…" I swallowed hard, trying to gather my wits about me, "Hokey says love is love. She told me that all the rules people use to regulate it are silly, because rules can't keep the heart from wanting what it wants."_

 _Moving to stand beside the now softly weeping Hans, I didn't flinch away when he wrapped his arms about my waist and buried his head into my stomach. Resting one hand on his shoulder, I carded through his hair with my free one in a comforting gesture Hokey always used on me._

 _"_ _I know we've been told that being…attracted to the same sex is wrong. But we've also been told many other lies. We've been told that mudblood's are stupid, Hans, but that isn't true. We've both seen that lie disproven. And we've been told that muggles are useless, but they aren't. How can they be? It was the muggles who created indoor plumbing. A muggle who came up with the concept of vaccinations. Socrates was a muggle…Aristotle was a muggle." Hugging Han's closer, I continued. "We're also told that house elves are nothing short of animals, but that's one of the biggest lies we're told. They feel just as much as us humans do, even more so. And Hans, if Hokey can love me like a mother loves her own child, I don't see why you can't love another man like a woman would."_

 _"_ _I don't know what to do, 'Leena." He sobbed, fisting up his hands in my robes as he continued to cry into my stomach. "I tried…I tried so_ bloody _hard to change."_

 _"_ _Hokey says it's foolish to try and fix what isn't broken." I reiterated, glad for all the sage advice she'd given me over the years._

 _"_ _You don't believe I'm broken?" He asked brokenly, looking up at me with water-filled eyes._

 _"_ _You are still the same Hans I knew this morning." I assured, giving him a small smile._

 _"_ _I can never thank you enough, 'Leena." He rasped, his bottom lip still quivering._

 _"_ _Whatever for?"_

 _"_ _For listening…." He explained, swiping at his face. "And_ accepting _me. You'll never know how much it means to me."_

 _"_ _All I ask is that you return the favor should the need arise."_

 _"_ _You have my word." Han's sniffled, getting back up on his feet. "Hokey has raised one_ hell _of a daughter."_

 _Swelling with pride at such a great compliment, I uncharacteristically initiated a hug with my good friend and gave a yelp of surprise when Hans quickly turned it into a firm, but gentle, bear hug. Finally releasing me after a long two minutes, he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and swiped angrily at his face before trying to remove the mud on his trousers._

 _"_ _I do believe you're the only girl I know who would take a house elf's word over anyone else's."_

 _"_ _It's only logical." I shrugged. "_ Hokey's _never lied to me."_

 _"_ _Perhaps I'll get a chance to speak her while my family is here." He sniffed. "It couldn't hurt to receive some more of her wisdom."_

 _"_ _If you get Hokey into any trouble at all, Johannes," I warned sharply, "I will_ literally _emasculate you."_

 _"_ _Duly noted." Hans sincerely promised. "I'd simply like to see if she'd have any advice about what I'm to do. Father will be expecting me to pick a lady to court soon."_

 _"_ _Kummere Dich nicht um ungelegte Eier." I advised. "Don't worry about eggs that haven't yet been laid."_

 _"_ _We are fifteen, 'Leena." He retorted softly. "Those eggs are coming soon."_

 _"_ _Must you remind me?" I scowled kicking at the mud below._

 _"_ _My apologies." Hans offered, giving me a contrite little smile._

 _"_ _Don't apologize." I sighed. "You're right."_

 _"_ _For all its worth, I wish I was wasn't." He frowned._

 _"_ _Well, you are." I growled. "We'll both be in loveless marriages soon."_

 _"_ _Not necessarily…" Hans refuted, grasping my hand._

 _Raising a single brow in his direction as he began to guide me back to the gardens, I waited patiently for him to respond to my silent inquiry. Already having practically forced him into suffering a severe emotional upheaval, I wasn't eager to force any other secret from him for fear it would send him over the edge._

 _"_ _I have a proposition." He ventured. "One that would greatly benefit us both."_

 _"_ _Oh?" I drawled._

 _"_ _Bear with me, 'Leena," He started, "But I find it would behoove both of us if..."_

 _"_ _If…what?"_

 _"_ _If…we married each other."_

 _"_ _What!?" I yelled, more from surprise than anger. "Hans! You_ just _told me that-"_

 _"_ _Bear with me!" He pleaded, putting his hands up in surrender. "Let me explain!"_

 _"_ _Fine! But I swear on my life that this is the last secret I'm listening to today!"_

 _"'_ _Leena, think." Hans pressed. "If we marry each other, we at least have the comfort of knowing each other. We're already good friends!"_

 _"_ _Hans…I want children."_

 _"_ _I know." He grimaced. "But…I'd be willing to lay with you- for that purpose at least."_

 _"_ _I don't love you." I explained gently. "Not in that way."_

 _"_ _I know you love Orion, 'Leena." He sighed. "But neither of your fathers will allow you to marry. I know that it hurts, but it's the truth."_

 _"_ _I've never told you that I love Orion." I protested hotly, wondering how he'd discovered such a thing._

 _"_ _It's obvious, Eileen." He snorted. "Everyone can see it."_

 _Blushing hotly from embarrassment and rage, I made to pull away from Hans only to find that he refused to let go of the hand that he held in his own._

 _"_ _I'm sorry, but it's true." He insisted. "Please, 'Leena. Think about it."_

 _"_ _What is there to think on, Johannes!?" I snapped. "Either way I'm putting a man's needs and wants before my own!"_

 _"_ _No!" Hans scowled. "I didn't mean to make you feel that way! It was only a suggestion." Hans quickly corrected. "If you just hear me out, I think you'd find this would benefit you much more than it would benefit me."_

 _"_ _Speak!" I growled. "You have_ thirty _seconds!"_

 _"_ _Your Father may not let you have Orion, but he will certainly jump at the chance for you to marry one whose family belongs to the Sacred Twenty-Eight." He elaborated slowly. "And because I have a brother,_ my _father will relent and let me have you as a wife. So long as your Father lowers your bride price, which he_ will _in order to marry you into my family, no one will object. This is a perfect plan! You don't get stuck with a hateful man, and I don't get stuck with a horrible shrew."_

 _What could I say? It_ was _a perfect plan. But for the life of me I could not let go of the small hope burning within me. The tiny little flame that burned inside me and made me dream that there may be some chance, no matter how small, that Orion and I could be together. How could I let that dream go? It was all that kept me going anymore!_

 _"_ _I will think on the matter, Johannes." I allowed. "But do not expect an answer anytime soon."_


	5. Chapter 5

_March 30, 1945_

 _I got quite the earful from a very angry Hokey yesterday. While no one else had noticed that Johannes and I had been alone in the woods, Hokey had and she was_ none _too happy with me. Adding to that, we'd arrived late for lunch, which had just infuriated her. As soon as she'd gotten me alone in my room, she'd smacked my bottom several times with my hard wooden brush. I didn't even have any time to sulk over the punishment, as she'd immediately ordered me to sit so she could comb my hair out and check for the ticks she so despised._

 _Thankfully she soon relented, once she'd ordered me to explain myself. Discovering that I hadn't just been giving into some 'sneaky boy's crafty advances,' she praised me for being a good friend to someone in need and for taking her advice to heart. Of course, she refused to apologize for unfairly tanning my hide. Arguing that I had deserved them for missing lunch, she warned me not to get an attitude with her lest she should deliver another half-dozen._

 _April 1, 1945_

 _Father's annual Easter Ball is set to begin soon, and I can scarcely contain my excitement. As much as I enjoy my solitude and quiet, I find that I am just as thrilled as any other girl is when a much-anticipated ball is soon to start. What lady, especially those unwed, isn't eager to be dolled up and treated to the endless attentions of their suitors? Even the homeliest of girls, Maeve for example, can expect some sort of attention due to their status. But by far, the best part of a ball is the dancing. Brewing is the only activity I put in higher regard, not even reading can hold a candle to the joy dancing brings. There is nothing as surreal and magical as to lose yourself in the music and, better yet, become the music._

 _Oh, I've never felt so beautiful in all my life! Just when I was beginning to fear that the new gown I'd been promised wouldn't show up, Hokey came running into my room with it and happily exclaimed how gorgeous it was. And what a beautiful gown it is, indeed! The truest shade of emerald I've ever seen, it hugs my body in all the right places and creates the illusion that I am not as lanky and boney as I truly am. But by far my favorite part of this dress has to be the dozens of tiny, silver buttons running up the back._

 _Better yet, my hair could not look anymore perfect than it does tonight. Hokey lovingly slaved away at if for three hours, making certain that each long strand of hair was tucked up into my elaborate updo. Having polished off the entire look with my favorite, silver hair comb, Hokey blinked back tears as she helped me into my shoes._

 _"_ _Mein Schatz!" She croaked out, kissing my cheek. "You are Hokey's one true daughter!"_

 _I would be writing the greatest of lies if I said I did not feel hot tears burning my own eyes at Hokey's sentiment. She must have raised at least a half-dozen children during her servitude, yet I am the only one she's declared as her treasure. I swear on my life that I will free her the first chance I have. I've known no other Mother but her, and she deserves a far better life than what she is given._

 _Much Later-_

 _It's nearly two a.m. but the ball has only_ just _ended. And while my feet are blistered and sore, and I am ready to drop from exhaustion, every hour I spend dancing and mingling was greatly enjoyed. I've had the time of my life and for a good six hours, I was able to forget the sorrows that usually weigh down so heavily upon me. There is nothing like a few drinks, or four, to take the edge off whatever anxieties may plague you._

 _And the night got even better as more time elapsed. About halfway through the entire affair, I ran into my good friend- Tom Riddle. Having not been in regular touch with him, since he'd graduated a few years prior, I was more than happy to accept his invitation for a dance. I wasn't surprised at all to find that he was still just as handsome, charming, and witty as he'd been the last time we'd seen each other._


End file.
